CHAPTER ONE: The Ugly Truth

Thor built himself a cute little red house, with his BARE HANDS because he’s the man your man could smell like!

I swear to god, he does this at least twice a day, and then he runs around town with the I Am Beautiful moodlet for hours and hours.

THOR:  Damn, sir, you are fine.

Not modest at all, are you?

THOR:  What’s the point in being modest when you look like I do?

 

THOR:  I am so good-looking, I’m not going to have any trouble finding the hottest sim to be my co-founder.

This is an uglacy, Thor.

THOR:  Are you fucking kidding me?  Because that’s not funny.

No joke!  You’re going to find the ugliest woman in Sunset Valley, and you are going to nail her.

THOR:  You are dead to me.

Yeah, yeah.  Get out there and find some womens!

After Thor gets a job at the Plumbob Pictures Backlot as an extra, he spots the man next door getting his mail, and takes off running at him.

THOR:  Hey you!  You’re ugly!  I bet you kiss ugly women.  Can you tell me where to find some?

 

THOR:  I, myself, have never had any experience with ugly women.  Only the best for Thor Jenkins!  But my controller, you see, she’s an awful bitch and wants me to mate with the ugliest woman I can find.  I think this is unacceptable, but she’s the one with the mouse, and I only have so much free will.

GOBIAS KOFFI:  Err — I’m gay. I live with four men and a Lady Gaga sim.

THOR:  … k

 

Once he’s through with Gobias, he spots a loving couple engaging in an intimate moment and barges off to harass them.

THOR:  PEEKABOO.

 

THOR:  I see you know women!  Do you know ugly ones?

ANDREW O’KEEFE:  Guh, no thank you!  My redheaded wife is super mega foxy awesomehot, I stay away from ugly women whenever I can.  Try hitting The Grind!

 

So off to The Grind we went.  It was not hot, since there was no mixologist on duty and no music was playing.  I’ll have to fix that somehow.

THOR:  Excuse you, black man.  A moment of your time?

BLACK MAN:  Certainly, Fabio.  I’m Barack Obama.

Yeah.  I have a Barack Obama sim.  He’s one of the four guys living with Gobias Koffi – along with Finn Hudson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Leisure Suit Larry.  It’s a bangin’ household.

THOR:  Nice to meet you.  Have you seen any ugly women?

OBAMA:  No, my wife is smoking hot.  You could try Central Park.  All the ugly chicks hang out there playing chess and eating their feelings.

THOR:  Will do!

 

Upon arriving at Central Park, Thor approaches the first girl he sees.

LISA:  WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

Lisa Bunch is widely considered (by me) to be the most unattractive sim in Sunset Valley.  It appears Thor agrees.

THOR:  Butterface.  It means –

LISA:  I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, YOU DICK.

Sadly, it turns out Lisa is only in high school, and because I don’t have any pedobear hacks, that posed a problem.  Until I had a thought.

THOR:  I hate it when you think.

 

Hey Thor, meet Judy Bunch!  Lisa’s mom!

THOR:  I just threw up in my insanely attractive mouth.

 

THOR:  Hello, Mrs. Bunch.  It hurts me to speak to you, because I find you unattractive, but I’m a legacy founder and apparently I’m supposed to marry someone very ugly.

JUDY:  Well, that’s certainly not any of my con-

THOR:  Does your husband treat you right, Judy?

 

THOR:  Does he rub your back at night?  Does he call you Snuggle Bear?  Does he whisper sweet nothings in your ear and caress your back fat?

JUDY:  I… no.  😦  Not anymore.  Not since my youngest, Darlene, was born.  I haven’t had woohoo in years.  😦

THOR:  I can do those things for you, Judy.  As revolting as I might find them, I will do those things – if only you will marry me.  I may be a jerk to date, but I’m a hell of a boyfriend, Judy, and I’ll make you a good husband.

 

JUDY:  But I’m already married!

THOR:  Then at least move in with me?  Give me a chance to make you forget how rotund you are.

JUDY:  Do you have a books at your house?

THOR:  No.

JUDY:  That’s okay, I will bring some!

 

Once she moves in, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful partnership.  Judy makes Thor sandwiches, and Thor swallows his mouth vomit while he canoodles her.  Much to his surprise, he begins to find that he quite likes Judy as a person.  A fat person, but still.  He doesn’t even mind so much that he has to see her without a bra on sometimes.

THOR:  She’s nice and all, but if anybody finds out about this, I’m never going to become a celebrity!

 

JUDY:  Thor, despite your obvious disgust by my figure, I find myself drawn to your long, flowing locks and your rippling abs.  Will you marry me?

THOR:  Holy shit!  I thought this was my job!

JUDY:  I couldn’t wait!  I need to know I’ll have you as my upgrade once I break up with Jack!

THOR:  That makes sense, I am quite the upgrade.

 

THOR:  Really?  That’s it?  That’s the ring I get?

JUDY:  But… I… 😦

Thor, you’re being a dick.

THOR:  Err, just kidding, I love it.  >__>  But for the purposes of my legacy, I’m gonna need you to go break up with your ugly husband now.

JUDY:  Right away, darling.

 

JUDY:  I’ve found another man, Jack!  And he’s three or four times the man you are!  He has muscles and a chin strap!

JACK:  But Judy!  What of our four children?!

JUDY:  I don’t need those children!  With this dress, I can seduce my new boytoy and make better-looking babies than I ever had with you!

Urgh.  Let’s hope not.

Thor and Judy celebrate her timely divorce the only way they know how.

Nailed it!

<— Chapter Zero Chapter Two —>

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  1. Bahahahaha!

    I want to live in the house with Barack Obama, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lady Gaga and Leisure Suit Larry. How freakin’ sweet would that be?

  2. NAILED it!

  3. Woh why am I so late to this party? This is fantastic.

  4. omg lol i love the part about being the man your man smell like. jsut then my boyfriend walked in and i look him up and down and said.
    Me: Bitch you wish you smelled like Thor
    Him: What the fuck are you talking about.
    Me: Nine of your damn business
    HIm: 0.0

    • lilyrae98
    • August 1st, 2015

    He NAILED it. With his HAMMER. Because he’s THOR. Okay I’ll stop now, I just wanted to say I loved this chapter.

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