CHAPTER SIX: Through the Fire and Flames

In order to get some extra money for the household, Zooey has taken over the duties of running the bakery stand outside the house.  Of course, the minute she finished these vanilla muffins, Thor ran in and ate them all, that asshole.

THOR:  Weren’t these muffins supposed to make us some money?

ZOOEY: mmmfrffle

…  uh… guys?

THOR:  So… you know I’m famous, right?

>___>  Goddamnit, Thor.

ZORDON:  OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUUUUUCK?  The stove is burning my pancakes and I’M HUNGRYYYYYYYY ARRRGH

God, what a dumb fuck.

ZORDON:  You get the fire, I’ll get Zooey.

ZOOEY:  Dad, you asshole, are you just gonna let him extinguish me?!

I’m glad to see no one’s really concerned about the fact that THEIR FUCKING HOUSE IS ON FIRE.  Idiots.

Wow.  That’s a really fucking genius painting.  I can’t believe we only got $88 for a solid black canvas with absolutely fuck all on it.  Your artwork is underappreciated, Zordon.  Goddamn.

Zordon decided he was going to bring a friend home from school that day, and since I’ve been on the lookout for possible mates, I decided to let him.  But then I realized that the girl he was bringing home?  Yeah, she’s my simself’s daughter.  And…  wait a minute.

Oh Christ.  What the fuck are you wearing, Kristie?!

Nuh uh.  No daughter of mine will ever read Twilight, let alone wear a Team Jacob shirt.  He’s a pedowolf.  😡

Ah there we go.  Much better.  And far too pretty for this legacy.  You need to leave this house before Zordon starts trying to put the moves on you.

ZORDON:  Hey baby how you doin?

Oh.  Oh fuck no.

KRISTIE:  *giggle*



Wait, what the fuck?  What’s going on over here?

Oh right.  I was so caught up in Kristie and her autonomous flirting with that uggo that I forgot it was Zooey’s birthday.

… My bad.  >_>

And it looks like we officially have a contender for the heir race!

She rolled Neurotic with her transition into adolescence, and I immediately sent her off to get a part-time job with her brother.  Zooey is now a clothes folder at the local spa, and Zordon bags groceries after school.  MORE MONEY FOR ME.

And just in time for Zooey’s birthday, Thor got sent one of these in the mail.  I kind of like having a celebrity in the house.  And since he’s so famous, Zordon’s automatically got three stars, and Zooey has one.  FAME MOOCHERS.

He also got sent one of these.  Judy won’t get the fuck out of it.

JUDY:  I’ve birthed six children, I deserve a little me time!

Yeah yeah.

That fucking Team Jacob shirt makes another fucking appearance when Zooey autonomously works out for the first time, thanks to her Athletic trait.  Goddamn, it’s haunting me or some shit.  Just like that gut is going to haunt my dreams.

We had some extra money laying around, so I bought an inventing work bench thing and sent Zordon off to make himself useful.  I’m fairly confident that, as dumb as he is, he’s not going to burn himself to death like Leroy Secksie.  But then, I also give it two hours, tops, before I get bored of trying to make him invent things.

A cake!  You guys know what that means!  It’s somebody’s birthdaaaaaaaaaaaay!

ZORDON:  What I don’t understand is why I have to do homework when I’m just going to age up in a minute anyway.  😦

Hey, don’t look at me, buddy.  I tried to X you out of it, but you kept doing it autonomously.  You and Zooey both.  It sincerely blows my mind how you can do your homework without me telling you to, yet you’re a goddamn retard.

Everybody showed up in their Sunday best for the party, but Zordon and Zooey were too busy doing their homework to let them in.  And apparently somebody got so upset about it that they called the cops.

And when I say everybody was in their Sunday best…  I mean mostly everybody.

.. um…


What the hell are you teaching your kids, Calli?  That’s your daughter Autumn right there!  Or… that’s her ass, anyway.

Oh well.  Back to the party, I guess.  Make a wish, Zordon!

ZORDON:  I wish I could have an Autumn’s ass of my very own.

Christ.  ._.

ZORDON:  *blows*

… he certainly does.

… Oh, fuck.

<— Chapter Five Chapter Seven —>

    • Calli
    • January 11th, 2011





  1. HAH! Formal teen ass. That was hilarious!

    And yes, Leroy’s death o_. *shields eyes and walks away*

  2. Funny funny. I like this. 😀

    • Insanee Pandaa
    • February 12th, 2013

    Fuck me. I am crying from laughing so hard. Oh my gosh! THIS IS AMAZINGLY GOOD!!!

    • Thanks! I hope to get my computer issues sorted out soon so I can update!

        • Insanee Pandaa
        • February 13th, 2013

        I haven’t even read the whole thing yet, I was laughing so hard, people cut my internet off, but I am definitely catching up. I am so glad I read it!

  3. I haven’t laughed so hard since I first read the Secksies. This is brilliant, I love Thor and his ugly family!

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